Can I Vent Real Quick?

Silence 😶 over Sympathy 💛

On Monday night, tears of pain began leaking from my eyes as my boyfriend frantically scrolled through his phone while saying, no no no, this can’t be real God please don’t let this be real. As the tweets and media updates continued to roll out, it started sinking in my heart that all of us Spartans tuned in and on campus were experiencing a living nightmare.

In total shock at what was happening, I was instantly pulled into a moment of illusion..I had placed myself into the shoes of the students and could barely fathom…

If I were in my west Akers dorm, the fourth floor…how would me and my three other roommates whom I had just met barricade the door…

Living in west Holden on the first floor…nope, I would definitely have to leave because of the large window and easy outside access at the end of the hall…

Studying late nights in the comm arts building in a noise-blocked room completely unaware of what the world outside had going….damn near S.O.L…or damn near the safest hidden gem spot…

To be anywhere on that campus could feel like a familiar home to most and yet an unfamiliar city to some.

The next morning I awoke with dried tears outlining my face to resemble the desert floor. Still, in disbelief, I felt like sleeping was the dream last night and now being back awake in reality had become a nightmare.

Still proceeding to work, my boss and I shared a moment to discuss what had happened…then of course back to business. Because we have scholarship recipients and an intern currently attending MSU, we then discussed how to take care of them…but then proceeded with other business.

I tried to go back to doing other work, but something deep within me would not allow me to easily suppress this one and just move on. This pain had it home for me, literally. It was fresh, living and breathing just like me. I felt like the pain was begging me to cry and be angry, to just let something else out, but instead, I just kept typing allowing the tears to run freely as my fingers typed and my brain glitched between autopilot and reality.

Yeah, that's it - I couldn't take it. Every digital outlet I logged into was discussing my school and our baby Spartans who were all still in shock and trauma. This shit is not normal. During our last work meeting of the day everyone gave updates and handled business as 'normal,' but not a soul mentioned anything about Michigan State. If anything, the main concern of promoting a program on social media was discussed…but nothing about MSU and our scholars who are there. I was heartbroken. How could an organization connected with so many colleges across Michigan (especially MSU) not mention wtf just happened?

Silence over Sympathy.

I grew disgusted in my disbelief. As head of marketing & comms, I left our social channels on silent all week and prepared a post stating that our company stands in support of our Spartans during this time. When it came down to posting it, it almost seemed like an afterthought to my coworkers and yet again the 'other' post was still brought up with a 'high priority' concern.

At this moment I grew aware that yes emotions have to be put to the side to get business done, but I also learned that this country is conditioning some people to lose a sense of reality and suppress tragedies. It's unhealthy and I couldn't allow it - so I took a mental health day.

Sharing this piece of my heart with you is meant to serve as a friendly reminder to stay in tune with how you really feel, get sh*t done and always always make time to heal. To my Spartans..and especially those directly impacted...my heart, love and prayers are extended out to all of you in utmost sincerity. We're all in this together. And in the words of my pastor - It's okay to not be okay💚🤍